My overly honest post

I’ve had this internal struggle going on for some time now: I didn’t want to adopt again. It’s not that I don’t love and believe in adoption. It’s not that Ephrem isn’t the biggest joy that I have ever had in my life aside from Evan. It’s not even that I don’t want more children.

Can I be honest? Because, if I’m honest, I don’t want to adopt again because it’s hard. I mean, it’s really hard. It’s a lot of paperwork. It’s a process, a long one that’s full of unforeseen complications, unknown timelines, and unexpected detours.  It’s an emotional roller coaster that will take you from happy to angry to irate to weepy in mere minutes. While I don’t wish to harp on this, it’s expensive. Legal fees, fees for paperwork, immigration fees (for international adoptions), fees for interim care, medical fees, costs to travel, unexpected fees…it’s expensive. And most people don’t have that sort of dough just sitting in their bank account. (We definitely didn’t…)

And there’s attachment – because even though you’ve been fighting to bring this little person home, this little person is now looking at you like, “Who are you and what do you want? Also, I’m not planning to sleep for the next six months so have fun with that.” Because for all intents and purposes, you are all strangers – mom, dad, child – and it’s a difficult process to assume those intimate roles from a place in life that isn’t Day One. It’s hard to learn what to do with the unknown, unexpressed history that accompanies every child who has lost their biological family.

At the end of the day, adoption is hard.

And honestly? I didn’t want to do it again.

And then I read this post at Millions of Miles and I remembered that adoption is a miracle. I remembered that without families, many children die. I remembered that our child might have struggled tremendously if he weren’t adopted.

Adoption was absolutely hard.

But, I truly with every fiber in my body believe that children deserve families and that makes it worth it.

Being almost nine months out since Ephrem came home, I can tell you that I would do everything 10 times over to bring home him again. I would do everything and more to call this child our son. Because I have stories upon stories about how God brought me closer to Him during our adoption process. I can list out the miracles that God did on our family’s behalf. And I can tell you that God’s faithfulness was never so clearly made available to me as it was during Ephrem’s adoption. It was absolutely hard. And it was absolutely the most beautiful thing I have ever had the chance to do.

So I’m not sure what the future holds for us. I can tell you that God is continuing to break my heart for the children who are without families. I’m not sure if that means that we will adopt another Tiny Human Shows (baby or toddler) or if God is just leading me to fight for Isaiah 1:17, but I can tell you that I’m starting to see the fight as less about the hard and more about the beautiful.


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