My ugly confession

I’ve talked about how I get the decision Abram and Sarai made to make their own way to God’s promise before. Not that it was the best decision for them, but I get that antsy feeling that comes from waiting for God to move after He gives you His vision for your life and then seemingly does nothing to fulfill His promise. I understand the desire to move, to act, to do, not to sit and wait.

Here’s my ugly confession: That feeling to move on my own? That’s a regular battle for me.

I’m a do-er. I’m a achiever. If I want something, I make it happen. It’s how I got through college as a double major and graduated summa cum laude and on time (it’s a big deal to get done in four years anymore). It’s how I got through my grad program with a master’s in two years, one month when it took many other students at least twice as long.

I’m a do-er. I see what I’m supposed to accomplish, I make a plan, and I just do it.

So the sitting still, waiting on God thing? I struggle.

And right now, I’m struggling in ways I didn’t expect. While I don’t have an idea of what specifically God has for us in the next season, I know that this place isn’t where God has us long-term. I know that I saw His vision for our lives. And I know that God hasn’t forgotten His promise to us.

Still, it’s hard to have these desires in my heart, these pieces of God’s vision, but know only to wait.

As much as I wish I could say I’ve grown since I wrote those words in 2011, this continues to be my struggle. Because I could make things happen. I could do my own thing, plow my own way. But I don’t want the mess that I know will result from making it happen because I want it now. God’s timing is best. God’s will is best.

So my struggle is to wait, to see the waiting as an act of “doing.” It is taking all my strength not to pursue this aimless stirring in my heart, but just to rest knowing that my heavenly Father will move my heart – our hearts – in a direction and with a timing so precise that all of heaven and earth couldn’t stop it.

So I pray to learn to let go, yet again, to pray the painful words “Thy will be done…”

 

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4 thoughts on “My ugly confession

  1. oh yes, I do understand this. And sometimes when you are asked to move, it’s not in a way that you feel most comfy doing…..that’s where I sit. Good words. I’m glad you are waiting for Him.

  2. Dear Carla, Your struggle isn’t unusual, it’s part and parcel of the Christian walk for many of us. Learning to wait and rest in Him seems to be against our DNA, but it’s essential for our growth in Him. The Lord sovereignly gave you the vision for orphans and you saw your husband grow into that. In this next season, I would not be surprised if the impetus for the vision comes from Evan. You are one, and the Lord will speak to both of you, but not always at the same time. Be at peace, little one. The Lord loves all three of you and holds you close. I know it’s hard, but trust in Him. He is never late, never early. He never fails in all His promises for us. His purpose never returns void.

    I pray the time flies until you see clearly the next steps/season.

    Love and blessings, Grandma

  3. thanks for being a new friend as I launch into what the Lord has been slowly growing in my heart/mind – the Together for Adoption conference brought some pieces together for me and gave me the space/time/environment to confirm the Lord’s voice – that I wasn’t getting ahead of him, doing it on my own, etc – but I know that in the days to come, this will be a constant temptation – to try to make things happen in my own strength – and yet, parts of the vision he’s giving me are so huge that it’s easy to wait in him and not want to rush ahead b/c it would be so easy to do it wrong, to make things worse (“bad”vocacy).

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