I wish I could share all that’s in my heart this morning. I have butterflies and peace. (And I’m hoping that’s not just the effects of my husband’s generously strong coffee — Just kidding, hon, it’s perfect this morning!) We’re getting closer. I can feel it.
I’ve struggled over the last year and half as friends and family members have discovered they were pregnant or had children. My heart is so ready to be a momma, but God’s timing hasn’t been right. And to say it hasn’t been painful would be a lie. When my friends all started to get married and I was left without a prospect of a ring on my finger, it was hard. I didn’t imagine that this could be harder. While we’re not walking the road of infertility (that we know of), I still struggle in seeing new pink or blue caps or ultrasound photos. It’s not that I’m not terribly excited for them. I am. But I’m still not part of that Moms Club. It’s going to be a long while before I will be. So, I’m trying not to get too hopeful that “this” might be the right moment, the right program, or even the right agency. I’m concerned that if I get my hopes up, they’ll be dashed again. And I will have to throw a pity-party for one. Again.
I was convinced that we would have already started the process in June, in Ethiopia, and with a wonderful agency already. We had the amount of money we felt we needed to start. We thought the month was right. The timeline was going to work. And then, I got a call that turned everything on its head. After I put in our request for an application for international adoption (two days before our official “June 1” date), I got a personal call from one of the agency’s vice presidents to say that the agency wasn’t accepting families into the Ethiopia program, given that there’s extensive instability in the program (at this point). While we very much admired their decision, it left me dizzy. Crushed. Heart-broken. I felt like everything I wanted was simply pulled away from me.
I recognized that God intervened. We had asked Him that if June wasn’t right or if Ethiopia wasn’t right, that He would stop it before we got too far along. Well, He did. Before we got anywhere. International adoption being a costly venture, I’m grateful. International adoption being a process that will pull your heart all sorts of directions, I’m even more grateful. His goodness is evident, even if it wasn’t appreciated at that moment.
For the last three months, I have waited on my knees, sometimes with tears, pleading that God would open doors — or at least a door. I couldn’t understand His silence, but knew His faithfulness. And that’s all I had to go on. So we waited, hand in hand, discouraged, frustrated, hopeful, and believing in a God who is sovereign, even when it doesn’t feel as though He is.
And now we’re here. Nearly by “coincidence”, I might have stumbled on an open door. We will share some news when we have any (it’s all speculative right now). Evan posted this verse this last week and I feel like this is relevant to where we are:
Your ears will hear a word behind you, “This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right or to the left. ~Isaiah 30:21
Will you please pray with us? We are seeking God for direction and confirmation. We want to hear those words behind us. In all decisions, but especially about decisions related to our (future) child, we want to be in step with God’s leading. We appreciate your love and support! We have a fabulous group of friends and family who have rallied around us. Thank you!