I’ve gotten a few questions about why I’m going back to Africa when we’re already doing an adoption and I just got back. I don’t blame folks for asking these questions. I know I seem crazy. Heck, I often feel crazy. I feel like I have to be out of my ever-loving, orphan-defending mind to go back with everything else we have going on. Yes, we’re adopting. Yes, we are serving in our church. Yes, I’m volunteering with World Vision. Yes, we’re both working as many hours as the day will permit.
These questions definitely make me re-evaluate my motivations. Am I really pursuing God’s calling or my own will for my life? Am I doing any of this, all of this for me or for God? Are my motivations pure?
There are times I would love to be selfish. I would prefer for my life to be in my own hands, directed by my own will. I mean, if I were honest, I don’t always want to walk the journey for the fatherless. I don’t want to go to Africa. It’s easier to sit in my air-conditioned life, pretending that they aren’t children halfway around the world that are living day to day not knowing where their next meal is going to come, or whether that mosquito bite might kill them, or whether they might be abducted to “serve” in a military group. I’ve never cried as hard as I cried after being with the two year-olds in Rwanda. I don’t want to go through that again. And if I were really honest, I would rather not adopt right now. It’s not convenient. It’s not quick. It’s not easy. It’s certainly not cheap. It means that I won’t be a mother in a reliable nine months. These roads are difficult. They are painful. They require strength that I honestly don’t have.
But who am I to question the call?
Who am I to ask God why Isaiah 1:17 is forever etched in my heart? Do I have the “right” to be like Job, standing before the Creator of all why He asked me to walk this journey? Is it okay for me to ask God that I not to bear this burden out of convenience? Convenience is my only excuse. It’s not that I can’t bear this call. It’s that living a life of Christ isn’t always convenient or safe. It’s that when we truly give all to God and seek His will above all else, He will take our all and give us His will above all else. And to be frank, that makes us crazy.
Last week Jimmy Wolfe, an awesome pastor in Atlanta, gave a message at IDEAfarm. He said something I will never forget: God gives us dreams to pursue us. Not necessarily so we can change the world (although that’s an awesome consequence), but so that God can change us through His endless pursuit of us. This walk is hard, but it’s how God is pursuing me. He has given me the opportunity to love beautiful, fatherless children so that I can be more like Christ. In all of this, God pursues me through missions and through adoption and through whatever else makes me crazy. He pursues me. There have been very few times when I physically felt the presence of God as I sought Him. At that kitchen table in Lake Jackson, Georgia was one of those times. All I know is that I felt my heart come alive and find purpose as God pursued me.
And when we find that call, the call that makes us come alive with purpose, we willingly hemorrhage for it. We abandoned all convenience and comfort for it. We challenge others to give up comfort and convenience for it.
We are crazy for it.