Why is the sovereignty of God so hard for me to yield to? Today has been hard, not because anything has happened, but because nothing is happening. We know that God has called us to adoption, but it feels like we have to fight to walk this calling with every fiber of our being. I just feel like more and more gets in the way. It would be easier just to yield the call for something easier.
And to be honest, today I want God to call me to take the easy road. The road that doesn’t have so many challenges. The road that makes me a mom sooner. The road that is paved with best wishes, excitement, and, yes, even baby showers rather than crazy looks, concern, and opinions about our decision. Does that road even exist? If it does, I want to be on it. I think I’m so discouraged and I’m starting to feel nuts all the way around. And doubt has crept in. About our call. About my ability to hear God. About everything.
I know I’m in good company: Moses, Jeremiah, and Jesus all asked for their “cup” to be taken away. For all of you who just read that and thought, “Did she really just compare herself to those guys?” I don’t think so highly of myself as compare myself to the man who led the exodus from Egypt, or the one who was the mouthpiece to God’s people, or the Savior of the world. Still, I am relieved to know that I’m not the only one who questions God’s will in our lives.
My heart is full of questions today. Questions of myself. Questions of God. Questions of sovereignty and goodness. Of faithfulness and love. My heart is heavy. I wish I could sit on God’s lap. I know that seems silly, but I need my heavenly Father to hold me as His daughter and just whisper that it’s all going to work out. That His plan really is coming together. That this crazy life is beautiful and is everything that He longs for me to have.
And for me to yield to the Sovereign.