I’m not going to lie. There are days that I’m weary. There are days when I simply do not understand God’s timing. I don’t get Him. I can’t even remotely comprehend His ways.
There are days that my heart longs so badly to a momma. I see so many little ones these days and I think, I cannot wait for the day that one of them is ours. I weary in waiting. I can tell my heart to wait silently on God, but it doesn’t make the waiting easier. It doesn’t make the deep calling go silent. I pace about in my heart, lacking the words to even speak to God the desires in my heart. He already knows. He gave them to me. But I still wait for this calling to be fulfilled.
There are days that my heart questions God as to why my husband is still sick with this mysterious illness. There are days that I cannot comprehend a good God that would allow this to continue for more than a year. Or allow things to get worse again. I can’t see a good God in that. I can’t see a sovereign God in that.
And I feel like I can handle waiting for God to move in one way or another, but not both. Tonight, I’m weary.
But God is faithful:
5 How blessed is the man whose strength is in You,
In whose heart are the highways to Zion!
6 Passing through the valley of Baca they make it a spring;
The early rain also covers it with blessings.
7 They go from strength to strength,
Every one of them appears before God in Zion.
8 O LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer;
Give ear, O God of Jacob!
Selah. (Psalm 84:5-8)
Someday my desire to be a momma will be filled. And someday my husband will be healed. And it may not be this day, but I will hold on for someday.
Until then, God hear my prayer.