day 58.

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle?

I feel like I could have written that Casting Crowns song. I’m often between what I should be (or want to be) and what I am. It’s this ambiguous, uncomfortable place. I continually lecture myself for falling short. I recognize my lack of sold-out surrender to God in this middle ground.

It’s painful.

And this tends to be my biggest struggle. I know that He desires for all my heart. He longs for a complete surrender of my life: my ideas, my plans, my feelings, my desires. He wants it all. But most of the time I only give Him so much:

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Exactly.

I struggle with this all the time. I want to trust that He has my best, but shortly after I tell Him I trust Him, I quickly return to pick up that worry. I want to control it. But that’s not what my walk with God is supposed to be about. My heart is supposed to completely believe and trust in Him, in all things.  As if I could know better than Him, I question the way life’s path turns. I can only imagine how God feels in my constant pull to be in charge?

Do I break Your heart?

I used to be really hard on myself in this area, but I think I’m beginning to recognize that the uncomfortable feeling I have in this middle area is because I don’t want to be in control anymore and I recognize that I still habitually find myself at the steering wheel. It’s the desire to want my desires to be His desires, but the weak flesh that gets in the way. I know that I need to get beyond the middle ground, but it feels better to know that this struggle isn’t because of my complacency as much as it’s the result of my humanity.

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2 thoughts on “day 58.

  1. Giving up completely is really hard. Most of the time we “feel” like we’ve given control to God and then, as you say, we find ourselves wrestling back into the steering position. Giving in is scary; total surrender is so out of our nature it’s not even funny. Yet when it really happens it’s an amazing event…the opportunity to really give God everything, watch Him do as He wills in our lives and then get to walk in tandem with Him.

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