day 22.

shortly before i moved to florida my mom gave me a magnet with this saying on it:

It’s never too late to revise your dreams.

originally, it was significant because i was laying down my dream to get a phd. the fact that i was willing to let go of my plan was a big deal. i’m a planner. i like to have a five, ten, and fifty year plan, respectively. i like to feel like i have it figured out (delusional or not). i had planned to get a phd in sociology by my sophomore year of undergraduate work. it was my goal and my career. i felt that God had blessed that plan.

i don’t doubt that i heard God about going to grad school. i know that for those two years, that’s where i was supposed to be. but when God called me to marry my husband and move to florida, i didn’t realize that it would mean giving up not only my dream to get my phd, but also my plans. all of them. i had to let go of planning. two years later, i’m still without a plan.

why is it so scary to let go?

why do i need to feel like i’m in control?

why is it that i doubt that the God of all creation wouldn’t fail me?

needless to say, this season of wandering has been difficult. i have had to search a lot harder to find God. i’ve had more moments of doubt in this season than i care to admit. but i’m getting to a place of desperation where i have no choice but to call on God. i need Him because i have nothing more than i can do. i’m here with nowhere else to go.

if i had a plan, would i feel so desperate?

it’s as if God has reached out His hand and asked me, “Do you really trust me?” and that’s the question; do I? do I trust the Creator of the universe to guide my feet? do I truly believe that He has my good in His plans (Jeremiah 29:11)? because when i have my life figured out, when i’m holding to my plan, i don’t trust God. i trust me, which, of course, is stupid because what great thing have i ever done that deserves such trust. really.

today my husband sang a Phil Wickham song at church. (if you’ve not heard of phil, go to iTunes and download everything you can find by him, seriously. it’s worth it.) anyway, my eyes began to tear up when i heard the first line, because i knew he was singing it for me.

To the one whose dreams are falling all apart/And all you’re left with is a tired and broken heart/I can tell by your eyes you think you’re on your own/but you’re not alone

Have you heard of the One who can clam the raging seas/Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet/With a love so strong and never let you go/Oh, you’re not alone.

You will be safe in His arms/You will be safe in His arms/Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart/This is the promise He made/He will be with you always/When everything is falling apart/You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life/Is the very same voice that calls you to rise/So hear Him now that He’s calling you home/You will never be alone

You will be safe in His arms/You will be safe in His arms/Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart/This is the promise He made/He will be with you always/When everything is falling apart/You will be safe in His arms

These are the hand that built the mountains/The hands that calm the seas/These are the arms that hold the heavens/They are hold you and me/These are the hands that healed the leper/Pulled the lame up their feet/These are the arms that were nailed to a cross/To break our chains and set us free

You will be safe in His arms/You will be safe in His arms/Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart/This is the promise He made/He will be with you always/When everything is falling apart/You will be safe in His arms

why am i so afraid to let go of my plans? He has promised to be with me always. He has promised to provide good to me. He has promised that He has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. for this season without a five-year, ten-year, or fifty-year plan I need to just enjoy my time in the Father’s arms. because as any good writer knows, the revision process sometimes takes years, but when God’s revising your dreams, you are guaranteed the best final outcome.

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